XXVII. Bro. February 29, 2020
>driving Lyft
>it is noon on a Saturday
>at the Doubletree I pick up a bro
>the broest of bros
>indeed, no bro could out-bro this bro, bro
>he looks like one of Katy’s boyfriends on Letterkenny
>not that one, the cute one
>he is short, tatted out, shredded
>wearing a wifebeater and basketball shorts
>he is absolutely shitfaced
>on the way to a cigar store I learn a lot about this bro
>he likes to clap me on the shoulder whenever he says something he thinks is funny
>his name is Cameron, bro, but all his bros call him by his middle name Tyler
>he is 29, “in sales” and from Denver
>he has never been to Florida before, but came down because his bro’s getting married
>she is a sweet girl with great knockers, also really smart, bro, like doctor smart
>he likes the weather here, which is crazy, bro
>and the honeys, Jesus Christ the honeys down here, bro
>but he’s got a girl at home that takes care of him so he ain’t about that life
>he wants some tunes, today is a great day, it’s a PARTY, bro
>he hooks his phone onto the Bluetooth
>the first song is by Mac Miller, which I expected
>the next three were by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians
>which I did not
>his only explanation was that rock chicks give him a boner
>to this I could relate
>last night at the hotel he got drunk with a sixty-year-old woman
>embarrassed everybody, bro, so he’s gotta make it up to them today
>he’s the best man, gotta come through for his bro
>none of the others do anything but stand around and drink
>the wedding is not until 2, so he’s gonna buy his bros some cigars and some sandwiches
>he already gave them like a huge bag of boner pills
>it was a joke gift, bro, he doesn’t think they will have any problem getting it up down here you feel me?
>when he finds out I am a professor
>he says I’m the second professor he’s made friends with on this trip
>he got drunk with the first one on the plane, guy was all “I’m a professor at the University of Denver!”
>and he totally went to the University of Denver and got drunk with his professors and that’s probably how he passed, bro
>when he finds out I went to school at Alabama
>he says fuck Alabama, bro, he hates Alabama
>especially Tuscaloosa
>because see one time he went there to see an Alabama A&M game
>or whatever A&M had Johnny Manziel, bro, you remember that guy?
>and he and his Black friend and his Hispanic friend were just walking down the street and yeah, they were a little drunk, not gonna lie
>and this guy came up and asked him why he was mixing with wetbacks and n-words
>only the guy did not say “n-word” he said like, you know, the actual word, bro
>and so they were all “What the fuck, bro!” and like pushed him
>and bro, he was a plainclothes cop bro
>and then his two cop buddies show up with uniforms on
>so then his Black friend punches one of them and he just started WAILING on that one guy, bro
>they got put in jail for two days
>the cops beat his Black friend way harder than they beat him, bro, and called him the n-word a lot too
>they told him he couldn’t leave until he was sober, but two days?
>bro, nobody can stay drunk for two days less somebody keeps giving them stuff
>I do not believe his story
>I’ll go out on a limb and GUARANTEE it never happened
>but it still makes me sad
>because I know he tells that story to lots of people
>and most of them believe him
>because it is sadly so believable
>we reach the cigar store
>he jumps out and runs in yelling about what a great day it is
>I have a sort of Wandering Rocks moment when my wife calls
>she had pulled into the parking lot right after me
>near the cigar store is a Chuck-E-Cheese, and a birthday party to which my daughter was invited
>I told her about Tyler the Bro
>he comes back in time for her to hear him yell about how much of a bro I am
>from there we head to the Metro Deli downtown
>gotta get the sandwiches, bro
>he shows me the cigars he bought
>eight of them in a plastic bag
>one is much bigger than the others
>that’s because the groom has such a big donger bro!
>it’s huge
>sometimes bros see each other change and stuff, it happens
>but they’re all cool with him having a huge donger
>I was very glad to hear that
>the legislature is in town, so Metro Deli had a line of suits down the block
>I suspect he will be able to get sandwiches or attend the wedding, but not both
>he is going to try anyway
>he says don’t worry bro, imma tip the hell out of you
>and he does
>twenty bucks
>so we’re bros