XXVIII. Tithonus. March 6, 2020

>driving Lyft

>it is ten in the morning

>I have to be at school at 11 for a meeting

>the dean and everybody will be there

>it is conspicuous if I miss a meeting

>I get called way tf up Thomasville Road

>no problem, plenty of time

>very fancy neighborhood

>I park at the end of a long driveway

>fifty feet at least

>Asian lady comes out of the house at a dead sprint

>says “you wait. He in bathroom. My father-in-law.”

>runs back into the house

>no problem

>Lyft makes me wait five minutes before I can cancel the ride

>I wait five minutes

>Lyft makes me call the passenger before I cancel the ride

>I call

>Asian lady answers, says “Out soon! You wait please! Please please wait.”

>Okay, it’s 10:20, still have time

>the door opens

>the oldest man in the world comes out

>surely he was in Coxey’s Army

>he looks like a six-foot scarecrow made of turkey bacon

>he is gripping a walker like he’s drunk and it’s a toilet

>Asian lady flitters around him like a hummingbird

>he begins the trek to the car with blazing AT-AT speed

>halfway down the mountain he drops his sunglasses

>he angrily refuses all help from the Asian lady

>must pick them up himself

>I fight the urge to run up there, snap his bones into a pretzel-shape and tie him to my roof

>10:30 he gets to the car

>does not want the walker in the trunk

>must be convinced of this necessity before he will get in

>each foot takes two minutes to lift itself into the car

>in the car he tells me “I was there when seatbelts first came out. I have always believed in seatbelts.”

>no shit you were there, Tithonus

>I thought, but did not say, because I am only able to be mean to old people on Facebook

>he says nothing else until we arrive at an apartment complex over by the old mall

>I say “Is this the place?”

>old man says yep

>we drive deep into the maze of apartments

>I say “over here?”

>old man says “Yep, I can get out here.”

>suddenly the Asian lady flips her shit

>screams “No! This not place! We go to GI,

supposed to go Tallahassee GI!”

>but the address you provided is right here

>but I just followed the GPS

>but it’s 10:45 and I have a meeting

>but they will know if I’m not there

>but what tf is GI

>lady says “GI like this!” and shows me her phone

>it is a gastro-intestinal doctor’s office

>all the way back across town

>because of course it is

>my mouth is very dry

>I say “Lady, I gotta be at work at eleven.”

>I did not ask where she got the address she gave Lyft

>the explanation would take months, no doubt

>she says nothing except “go to GI”

>old man says “We should always pay people for what they do” and claps his hands like he has solved the conundrum

>you lissen here Hans Moleman and fuckin River Tam I ain’t got time for this bullshit

>is what I did not say

>because I am too much of a wuss

>I also did not have the stones to toss this ancient warlock

>and his familiar

>tf out my car

>I was afraid he would die in the parking lot

>So off we go back across town

>lunch traffic

>everybody in front of me wants to turn left, but has to stop dead and take a vote before they do

>10:55 we arrive at GI

>we must wait for certain glaciers to align before we can decide whether or not we have actually gotten our giant orthopedic clodhoppers stuck under the front seat

>then we must carefully judge if the next of ten imperceptible foot-wiggles will free it

>it will not

>meanwhile, Asian lady gets the walker out of the trunk

>comes around and tries to help him with his feet

>gets her hand slapped for her trouble

>finally he gets out

>no way I’m making the meeting

>it’s past eleven, I’m on Miccosukee

>I am frothing with frustration and fury

>every car on the road receives the blackest of curses

>I beat my steering wheel to death at every redlight

>coronavirus is not deadly enough

>and so forth

>no parking spaces at FAMU

>I pay $300 a year to not have a parking space

>end up in the parking garage

>I have to sprint up the highest of seven hills

>I am fat and weak

>I almost die in the parking lot where I could not park

>clamber up four flights of stairs

>meeting was cancelled

>no tip