XXXIV. SSGT Blanks. May 29, 2020
>driving Lyft
>met Staff Sergeant Blanks
>soon you will be mailing your envy to me
>because you did not meet SSGT Blanks
>he got in my car at 21:30 on a Tuesday
>with another quieter, smaller Marine named Tommy
>neither in uniform
>Tommy was clean-cut, still active duty
>SSGT Blanks had the hair they call “wicks” in South Florida
>he called me Zachary, and Tommy was Tommy
>he spoke of himself in the third person
>so everyone in the car called him SSGT Blanks
>it seems likely that everyone on earth calls him SSGT Blanks
>for their own safety
>for you see
> SSGT Blanks is the baddest motherfucker on the planet
>When they got in, SSGT Blanks was telling Tommy about someone named Terence
>Terence is in serious trouble
>SSGT Blanks is looking for him
>”Boy, Terence better fuckin HOPE I don’t see him tonight
>Imma fuck him up. FUCK. HIM. UP. TOMMY.
>Imma pull his head off and shit down his neck
>he don’t know who the fuck he dealing with
>SSGT Blanks, Marine, Force Recon Marine
>he a fucking college kid or fucking Air Force or some shit
>Call of Duty playing motherfucker
>Call of Duty? I’ll fucking show him Call of Duty.
>I been in combat, he ain’t done shit
>talkin bout boot camp. Ain’t no fucking boot camp in Call of Duty, Zachary.
>Imma fuck him up, out here tellin me I’m pullin rank
>PULLING RANK MOTHERFUCKER? I’m SSGT BLANKS!
>I don’t pull rank I earned my rank fuck you think you earned, Terence?
>I’m a goddamn Marine, Force Recon Marine, Hollywood Marine
>On God if I see Terence imma fuck him up, Tommy
>Imma fucking break his head Tommy
>he need to know
>if he on the phone with God and I call, he better click over and see what the fuck I want
>SSGT Blanks calling motherfucker, you better see what the fuck he want
>say I’m pulling rank
>imma fucking pull his arms off and chop his goddamn dick off ZACHARY
>If he at that house imma fill the STREET with uppercuts
>hit him with so many rights he’ll be beggin me for a left”
>Tommy is rolling
>Tommy says “SSGT Blanks, tell him about the bear”
>”Lissen here Zachary, you drive by and see SSGT Blanks fighting a bear
>you best jump out and help the bear, feel me?
>I’m a Force Recon Marine
>I been done fucking people up all over this world
>the boogeyman looks under his bed for SSGT Blanks
>can’t even fucking go to sleep, that boogeyman
>Always staying up, going “Where the fuck SSGT Blanks at?”
>SSGT Blanks is a bad motherfucker
>Goddamn fucking Terence better fucking understand who he dealing with, Tommy
>SSGT Blanks will eat his fucking head in front of his fucking mama
>you see me fighting a bear, best jump out and help the fucking bear, on God
>Call of Duty playing motherfucker, this ain’t no fucking Call of Duty
>Imma fuck Terence UP. The fuck UP.
>Zachary, imma need you to stop at this gas station if you don’t mind.”
>I said I didn’t mind
>I said I did not want to get on the bad side of SSGT Blanks
>SSGT Blanks and Tommy laugh
>SSGT Blanks says “You alright, Zachary, you alright. Just tell people you know SSGT Blanks
>tell them passengers you know SSGT Blanks
>they’ll just hand you money, all their fucking money
>be like “Oh fuck, he know SSGT Blanks, better give him all my fucking money”
>I done shipped across the Pacific
>halfway across, you know what, Zachary?
>Jaws came to the side of the ship
>gave me a high five and said I was the baddest motherfucker on the planet
>Fucking Jaws gave me a fucking high five
>Freddy Krueger be getting in people’s nightmares
>get in there and see SSGT Blanks is already there
>fucking shit up, saying come on Freddy Krueger
>SSGT Blanks got something for you too motherfucker
>fucking Jason, Fucking Michael Myers
>Michael Myers don’t even wanna fuck his sister no more
>too fucking scared he might run into SSGT Blanks”
>Tommy goes in the store for beer
>SSGT Blanks says “Zachary, when I got out in 2005
>they let me go at E-7, so technically I’m a Gunnery Sergeant
>fucking Terence too pussy to join the Marines, Force Recon Marines”
>I admit to SSGT Blanks that I, too, am too pussy to join the Marines
>I thank him for his service
>as one does
>SSGT Blanks says “You alright, Zachary, you alright. I did it for you and everybody else. It was fun.”
>Tommy comes back
>SSGT Blanks greets him with “On God, Tommy, Terence better not let me see him tonight because I’m gonna fuck his shit up
>he’s gonna get a Marine, a motherfucking FORCE RECON MARINE, all up in his fucking ass”
>I ask very carefully if I am driving them to Terence’s house
>I don’t want to be charged as an accessory
>SSGT Blanks loves this
>SSGT Blanks says “You don’t need to worry about them cops, Zachary
>Cops ain’t gone fuck around with SSGT Blanks
>they gone want me to fuck Terence up
>cops roll up, be like “Oh fuck, it’s SSGT Blanks, we didn’t know it was you
>carry on about your business, SSGT Blanks
>you go ahead and fuck that boy up”
>we stop at the guardshack of an apartment complex
>guard asks everyone for IDs
>I just got my windows tinted, so I have to open my door
>SSGT Blanks opens his door too and yells “Army sucks dicks! Army fucking sucks fucking DICKS!”
>the guard stares at him
>the most uncomfortable moment of my life passes slowly
>guard laughs and continues writing down our names
>a second guard walks up
>SSGT Blanks gets out of the car
>SSGT Blanks says “And looky here at this pussy
>coming up here, this fucking Parris Island pussy
>you suck dick just like the Army you Parris motherfucker
>fucking ass bitch, I’m a Hollywood Marine
>SSGT Blanks is a fucking Camp Pendleton fucking Hollywood Marine!”
>second guard also laughs
>SSGT Blanks gets back in the car
>SSGT Blanks says “Camp Pendleton ain’t really in Hollywood, Zachary
>but we went up there sometimes
>but Parris is still a fucking bullshit place”
>Tommy says, straight-faced “It is a godforsaken island. A desolate place.”
>When I drop them off
>I give Tommy my college business card
>because it pays to know SSGT Blanks