XXXVI. Service Industry. June 11, 2020
>driving Lyft
>get called to a laundromat
>park in front and wait
>get a phone call
>no hello, just “IT SAYS YOU’RE HERE BUT I DON’T SEE YOU!”
>”I am here,” I say. “Parked in front.”
>”NO YOU SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE BACK! I SENT A NOTE!”
>I assume this means she sent a text
>I received no text
>I go to the back
>A giant angry woman is waiting for me
>She is the woman Fezzik dreamed about when Wesley choked him out
>if Jasper and Garnet ever fused
>the resulting abomination would only be slightly bigger than this lady
>She is Dra’nakyuek, Destroyer of Worlds
>she already hates me
>three other sentient appliances from an industrial kitchen come out
>they are carrying enough laundry for the entire French Foreign Legion
>I drive a Mitsubishi Mirage
>it is a roller skate with doors
>once I brought its flat tire to a guy
>and he said they don’t carry stock for golf carts
>I say “Are you sure that will fit?”
>Ndnd says “I SENT A NOTE!”
>Lrrr begins loading laundry into my trunk
>he can’t close the trunk, so he slams it as hard as he can
>I do not stop him
>I dare not resist
>I am afraid of the Heavyweight Tag Team Champions the Natural Disasters with special guests John Henry and Chyna
>I say “Are all y’all coming?”
>Big Barda shoots me a look that says there will be no more questions
>I am six foot one
>I weigh 240 pounds
>I was the smallest person in my car by at least fifty pounds
>Warren Sapp sat next to me
>he was the only one wearing a mask
>the other three got in the backseat somehow
>I prepare myself for a twenty-minute ride across Tallahassee
>but oh no
>there is no mercy today
>not for me
>Post-gum Violet Beauregarde says “MAMA THERE’S WENDY’S! WE FORGOT TO GO TO WEDNESDAYS!”
>Ndamukong Suh begins to mumble excitedly
>they all understand him
>I never do
>We go to Wendy’s
>drive-through; nothing will convince these people to get out of my car for any reason
>On the menu is something called a Four for Four
>Does Four for Four mean four sandwiches?
>does it mean two sandwiches and two fries?
>can I get four of the four-pieces?
>Do they have ketchup? No I mean do the sandwiches got ketchup because I don’t want ketchup!
>I don’t eat bacon can I get a bacon cheeseburger without bacon on the Four for Four?
>These questions, and others like them, were screamed at some poor highschooler working for minimum wage
>All four join in the berating, with Mike Singletary mumbling at top volume right in my ear
>nothing the poor girl could possibly say would make the questions stop or the volume decrease
>Finally it is decided
>We will have FOUR Four for Fours
>we journey to the window
>Mama Cass lunges out of the back window and reaches out for the bags
>Jadaveon Clowney mumbles something that means “I want to pay for mine”
>this causes quite the kerfluffle
>Wendy’s cashier must remove one of the four for fours
>she must refund the money to the Venus of Willendorf
>she must then figure out what a large Baconator combo would cost without the bacon but with jalapeños
>everyone is still yelling or mumble-yelling
>The price quoted is $24.48
>I will never forget that price as long as I live
>The Wendy’s cashier looks at me
>I look at her
>we are the tortured souls of the service industry
>our hell is shared
>the moment is interrupted
>”WHICH ONE’S GOT BACON? YOU BETTER TELL ME CAUSE I DON’T EAT BACON!”
>Wendy’s cashier says “Only one has bacon, just open them up.”
>boy oh boy was this the wrong answer
>”YOU THINK PEOPLE LIKE WHEN YOU TOUCH THEY SANDWICHES? THAT’S NASTY! WE GOTTA OPEN EVERY SANDWICH AND BE TOUCHING ALL OF THEM? Y’ALL SHOULD MARK SANDWICHES WITH WHAT THEY HAVE!”
>Wendy’s cashier says “Ok, then!” and shuts the window
>for the next twenty minutes
>enclosed in the tiniest of cars
>I get to enjoy the indescribable fury that the Wendy’s cashier hath engendered for me
>when I see where they live
>it is as if everything the Wendy’s cashier wished for them has come true
>karma has a time machine
>postscript
>I wake up the next morning
>I have two text messages from Miss Trunchbull herself
>First one at 12:45am says “I LEFT MY CHECKCARD IN YOUR CAR YOU NEED TO BRING IT TO ME I GOTTA LEAVE AT 2”
>Second one at 3:05 says “NEVERMINE I CANCELED IT”