CI. No I Ain’t. April 29, 2022

>driving Lyft

>I ain’t in the best of moods already

>I pull up to Baby WalMart

>we call it Baby WalMart because it is inexplicably smaller than the other three WalMarts in Tallahassee

>like, the size of 500 tennis courts instead of 500 football fields or some shit

>it’s smaller, is what I’m saying, like Greys are smaller whales

>still just the one open register, though

>so my passengers are Jack Sprat and his wife

>between the two of them they have managed to fit half of fuckin Baby WalMart into plastic bags

>they have a caravan of shopping carts bivouacking behind them

>I expect a pair of frantic parents to run up and ask if they’ve seen their boy, I mean, y’all don’t think we left him back at the Temple, did we?

>they mean to put all this shit in my car

>I don’t even think Mrs. Sprat by herself can fit in my fuckin car

>I say “Hey y’all, I don’t think all that’s gonna fit”

>Mrs. Sprat says “Sure it will” and tells Jack to open the trunk

>I don’t help

>I pace around like a middle-aged white man muttering to myself about how it won’t fit, it won’t fuckin FIT

>but I am far too much of a pussy to fight these people

>trunk is now full

>I have to stop Jack from sitting on the spoiler to crunch it down real good

>Mrs. Sprat alights her carriage

>Jack piles stuff on and about his lady love

>soon my shotgun seat is also full

>so full it sets off the seatbelt alarm

>by the end of the lading

>Jack was curled fetally behind my seat

>and I had a gallon of milk and a gallon of orange juice in my FUCKING LAP

>so off we fuckin go idgaf

>I am Milton Waddams in the basement

>my silence is stony

>Alas, inside my skull is a cavern

>a cavern filled brimming with

>”a thousand fiends, a thousand hissing snakes,

>”ten thousand swelling toads, as many urchins,”

>I am barely containing the dreaded cacophony

>and then this bitch adds a stop

>The Lyft app chimes to say we are now going to Piggly Wiggly

>Through gritted teeth, I say “We’re going to Piggly Wiggly?”

>Mrs. Sprat says “Yes, I just changed it”

>”Why?”

>”I need to purchase a few more items” she says, like I just asked Khufu why we gotta build a pyramid

>there is a pause

>and then I go all redneck

>accent turned up to 1000

>I say “I swear to God we ain’t going nowhere NEAR no Piggly Wiggly”

>Mrs. Sprat says “Excuse me?”

>”I said I ain’t FIXIN to go to no Piggly Wiggly. I ain’t sitting in this car piled up like ET in the dadgum closet for you to go wander around and purchase a few more items. Where the hell they gone fit, lady?”

>Mrs. Sprat winds up for some mischief, but Jack stops her

>Jack says it’s fine, says we can go home first and unload

>I say “you damn right we going home”

>and so we do, without another word

>one star