CVII. Roy. January 3, 2023

>driving Lyft

>pull up to the Tallahassee Airport

>it is very small

>maybe a dozen commercial flights come in all day

>my passenger is a tiny old lady surrounded by huge suitcases

>I load all of them in the car

>it is quite the job

>each one seems to have a neutron star in it

>the lady is anxious and much distressed

>her husband Roy went to the bathroom and has not yet come back

>”Oh, we can’t leave until I find Roy!” she wails

>I tell her I have no intention of leaving without Roy

>so we wait

>a cop comes by to tell me to move along

>the lady wails at him about Roy and he leaves us alone

>I learn nothing about Roy except that he is not here

>minutes crawl by

>eventually the lady yells “Roy! Oh, Roy! There he is!”

>she points frantically at an old man heading quickly away from us

>the lady starts to freak out

>”Oh, Roy isn’t going to see us! He’s going to get lost! Oh, no! Roy!”

>I think she’s crying

>well y’all I can’t handle this

>so I say “Lady, do you want me to go get him?”

>”Oh, yes please! Please go get him so he doesn’t get lost!”

>I jump out of the car

>Roy is thirty yards away through a crowd of people

>I yell “ROY! ROY!” and head towards the guy

>from the neck up, I look like Rasputin in a ballcap

>but I am wearing flipflops and a tshirt bearing the likeness of one Alaska Thunderfuck

>the crowd parts for me

>Roy does not turn around

>I barrel towards him like some sort of goofy moose while yelling “ROY!” as loud as I can

>Roy turns around

>he is white with terror

>I say “Roy?” and the poor guy shakes his head and backs away from me

>it’s not Roy

>it was never Roy

>and now everyone is looking at me, including the police

>I slink back to the car

>Roy is there, just sitting and grinning and happy as pie

>the old lady says “Look! Roy found the car!”

>I say, through gritted teeth, “Lady, if this is Roy, who did you have me chase down across the airport?”

>she actually laughs

>”Oh, I guess that wasn’t Roy after all, hee hee!”

>yeah, no shit