CX. Deaf and Drunk. March 22, 2023

>driving Lyft

>get called out to one of those corporate chain restaurants

>It’s like one in the morning

>I get a text from my passenger that says

>”I AM DEAF AND DRUNK”

>no falsehood detected

>dude is staggering

>guy gets in

>we smile and wave at each other

>I start driving

>the guy falls asleep almost immediately

>I listen to him snore all the way up Thomasville Road

>He’s still asleep when I get to his house

>there are no streetlights

>and thus we have a quandary

>namely, how am I supposed to wake a deaf drunk dude

>here in the Stygian night of Leon County

>without scaring the absolute shit out of him?

>can’t politely cough

>can’t yell “hey buddy you’re home!”

>I briefly considered taking off and stopping suddenly

>but no

>I must touch him

>and not seem like some sort of creep when I do it

>so I turn on the dome light

>reach back and tap him on the knee

>nothing happens

>I shake his knee a bit

>still nothing

>but y’all know comedy comes in threes

>and as I lean back to check if he is dead

>his eyes shoot open and see me coming at him

>his whole body spasms and jerks backwards into the seat

>and he makes a noise

>the likes of which none shall ever hear

>or make again

>even unto judgment amen

>it is like a yeti had just lost its child

>it is like the last defiant note of a bagpiper being kicked to death

>it scares me right back into the front seat

>I crack my head on the door frame and start yelling myself

>after a bit we both come to our senses

>he mouths numerous apologies

>shakes my hand

>I pantomime how insignificant of a deal it is

>not a big deal

>not really a deal at all

>and off he goes to sleep it off