CXII. Tallahassee’s Finest. July 2, 2023

>driving Lyft

>pick up a mother, father and a college-aged daughter

>we are all big and white

>they are touring Tallahassee because the daughter might want to go to FSU

>I am supposed to take them to the Doubletree Hotel in the heart of downtown

>it is pouring rain

>the rain has ruined some sort of spring festival being set up around the Capitol

>still, many roads are blocked off

>three or four cops are standing around at every downtown intersection

>the easy way to the Doubletree is blocked off thusly

>and so I must

>because of cops and one-way streets

>circle the entire area again

>bumper-to-bumper with everyone else

>I am Clark Griswold circling Big Ben

>I jokingly point out the same landmarks again to my passengers

>actually, it kills

>they are patient and good-natured

>after two revolutions, no other ingress can be found

>all are blocked by cops and barricades 

>I stop at the original barricade and ask a city cop how to go to the Doubletree

>”Monroe and Park,” she says, “All Doubletree traffic enters at Monroe and Park”

>we must go 3/4 of the way around again

>a ten-minute Lyft ride turns to twenty, then thirty

>Park Avenue in downtown Tallahassee is two one-way streets separated by a wide median of parks

>I am behind a big white SUV in the turn lane

>Park Avenue westbound is closed

>A city cop directs the big white SUV to travel the WRONG WAY down eastbound Park Avenue

>she waves me to follow

>big white SUV passes through barricade unmolested

>I follow big white SUV as instructed

>big white Sheriff’s deputy suddenly slaps the side of my car HARD

>I thought I hit something

>everybody jumps

>”Hey! HEY! Stop the vehicle!” yells the deputy

>I stop the vehicle

>roll down passenger-side window

>big white Sheriff’s deputy yells “Just where the hell do you think you’re going?”

>”um…the Doubletree right down there”

>”SIR you are going the WRONG WAY down a ONE-WAY STREET!”

>”Yes, I know, that lady up there told me to…”

>”SHE’s not down here, is she? I AM! YOU STOP WHEN I SAY STOP! 

>”Yes sir ok absolutely I apologize”

>”Just get out of here!”

>slaps the car again

>”Yes sir,” I say 

>drive away

>entire car is silent

>then the dad says “Tallahassee’s finest!”

>everyone laughs