CXXX. Shadetree Mechanics. November 12, 2024
>driving Lyft
>I pick up a guy at the Presbyterian Retirement Tower
>he is the size, shape and general appearance of Mickey Rooney circa 2010
>but his demeanor is mostly Cotton Hill, Good Hank’s father
>he has a walker
>a hacking cough
>and one extremely bloodshot eye
>he starts talking the second he sits in the car
>and he barely pauses the whole time we are together
>He says “You’re taking me to the Southside to Connie’s auto parts
>”I don’t know if that’s what it’s called, but it’s Connie’s place and she’s been down there since 1973
>”I remember when she opened that place; she was the only woman around here who knew what the hell she was doing with a car
>”I need a timing belt and I need to talk to somebody who knows something about transmissions
>”I mean somebody I can REALLY talk to about it, not one of these damn shadetree mechanics around here
>”And Connie knows what she is talking about. What the hell are you listening to?”
>I say it’s called dubstep
>and I really dig it, though I can’t really articulate why
>Mickey Rooney likes it not
>he says “Why don’t you play some actual music?”
>I say “Well jeez, man, modern technology can play any song you wanna hear, so you tell me what actual music is”
>he says “Play Neil Diamond, ‘You’re So Sweet, Horseflies Keep Hangin’ Round Your Face’. Haven’t thought about that song in years”
>I type it in
>Mickey knows all the words
>sings most of them
>says “I used to sing this song to the ladies. My first wife loved this song. You can’t beat Neil Diamond for good music
>”but this ain’t Neil Diamond. I don’t know who it is, but they’re doing a good job with the song”
>dude what
>the hell it ain’t Neil Diamond
>Mickey says, “But it’s ok, it’s still a good song and you didn’t know.
>”I can’t expect you to recognize Neil Diamond when you listen to that stuff you listen to”
>Youtube Music decides the next song should be “Volcano” by Jimmy Buffett
>Mickey says “I met Jimmy Buffett once; he was a great guy
>”It was 1977 and I was hanging out in a bar in Key West
>”I didn’t have much money so I asked the bartender what I could drink for cheap
>”He reached up to the top of the shelf and found this bottle of ouzo
>”He said nobody ever ordered it and I could have the whole bottle for a dollar
>”So I bought it and poured some and this guy down at the end of the bar said ‘hey lemme get some of that’
>”and the bartender said ‘No you’ve had enough, Jimmy!’
>”and it was Jimmy Buffett! Ha, ha! He looked like a homeless bum but he helped me drink that ouzo, he sure did!”
>we arrive at the auto parts store formerly known as Connie’s
>it’s closed
>whether for the day or forever I don’t know
>but Mickey has me unload his walker so he can go pound on the door and yell
>this should be the end of our interaction
>the ride is over
>I should leave him here
>but if I leave this Ancient of Days in the treeless parking lot of a closed auto parts store
>in ninety-degree heat
>he will most surely die
>and I will be the one that killed him
>so I put him back in the car
>Mickey says “if Connie’s is closed you have to take me somewhere else
>”I don’t have to worry about the transmission today but I gotta buy a timing belt
>”I have to fix my van so I can drive it down to Ft. Walton and clean out my daughter’s house
>”can’t trust none of these damn shadetree mechanics to do it
>”she just died of cancer; she was fifty and was an artist at FSU
>”she rented a house down in Ft. Walton and it’s full of sculptures and paintings and all sorts of crap
>”but now she’s not with us and my ex-wife don’t want the stuff and the landlady said she was going to throw it all out if I didn’t come get it”
>I say I am sorry to hear his daughter died, but I don’t think he hears me
>he says “Let’s go up to Gaines Street and see Bob—I know he’s gotta be open today”
>I say I will take him where he wants, but there ain’t no auto parts stores on Gaines Street
>it’s nothing but student apartments and restaurants now
>Mickey assures me Bob is still there and he knows right where to go
>he tells me to take a left on Wahnish Way
>we go through the heart of FAMU
>we pass the giant snake statue on the right
>I say “that’s another thing that’s changed. It’s not Wahnish Way anymore; they changed it to Althea Gibson Way”
>”Althea Gibson? Yeah I knew that woman. She was down here in the seventies and used to come in the shop all the time
>”she had money by then, so she was driving an MG, one of those fancy British cars
>”thing leaked everywhere. Didn’t do nothing but leak
>”I told her a bunch of times—a bunch of times—that she needed to go to Jacksonville and take it to an MG specialist
>”get a guy that knows what he’s doing, and he can fix that MG in fifteen minutes
>”but it’s specialized knowledge and you can’t give an MG to no damn shadetree mechanic and expect them to do anything with it
>”but that’s what she did; she found some old Black feller on the Southside that swore up and down that he could fix it”
>”so she took it to him, and it kept leaking just like I said it would
>”she’d come in the shop and buy something for it, take it down to that shadetree mechanic and he’d just make it leak worse
>”she probably spent a thousand dollars just on parts, but never did fix it and never did take it to Jacksonville far as I know”
>Gaines Street looms before us
>it’s nothing but restaurants and student apartments now
>though some parts are still under construction
>Mickey is visibly disappointed
>I drive down to the stadium end
>no Bob
>Mickey says “It must be at the other end of Gaines Street. Take me down there”
>no Bob down there either
>I say “I’m sorry, but I can’t drive you around all day, man
>”We gotta find somewhere for you to go”
>”Well shit, just any damn auto parts store then,” says Mickey
>so I take him to the Advance Auto Parts next to the Piggly Wiggly
>When I get him out of the car, Mickey hands me ten bucks
>says thanks for driving him around
>then he pulls down his lower eyelid and yells “Next time you see me, SALUTE THE FLAG!”
>turns out his eye isn’t bloodshot at all
>he’s wearing an American flag contact lens
>for what reason is anybody’s guess