LVII. Speed Limit 75. September 12, 2020
>driving Lyft
>I am called out once again to the forest primeval
>I turn onto a dirt road
>it is the surface of Mars
>there are pot bunkers and sand traps
>it looks like a mogul slope made of clay and beach sand, where some wag exploded a few landmines
>imagine a host of giant doodlebugs deciding they want to eat cars
>my tires are like four inches wide
>I am sure at least one of these pits is just quicksand all the way down to the aquifer
>from whence they shall never recover my body
>I pick up a thirtyish Black dude in a cowboy hat
>I never see his house; he just materializes out of the woods
>I say “Dang man, I’m sure glad it wasn’t raining; I woulda fell into one of them holes and got eat by a sea monster”
>guy says “Right? When it rains hard the water comes up to my front porch
>”I have an F-250 and I’m afraid to come out then
>”But it’s good. This country living. I used to live up in Tallahassee.
>”People were in my house all the time. 24-7. I hated that shit. Just stopping by whenever they felt like it, eating up all my food. Not no more. Don’t nobody wanna bust they axle trying to visit”
>I say “Yeah, you ain’t got to worry about anybody coming back here that don’t live here”
>”I’m telling you. Folks used to speed up and down the roads in my old neighborhood. Peel out, play that loud music. I’d like to see them speed down this here.”
>we’re both laughing now
>we are jazz musicians riffing on a theme
>we crest the rim of a particularly deep hole
>I say, “Man, if you got robbed, you could just come out the next morning and find them stuck in this hole”
>”I’d just stare at them until the Wakulla County Sheriff comes out to get them in an airboat”
>”You should put up a sign that says ‘Speed Limit 75’ and see who tries to get up to it”
>the guy loves this idea
>”Hell yeah! And we film it and put it on Youtube. Say it’s the only dirt road in the world where you can go 75. Make it a contest about who can ride the speed limit and not bottom out”
>”You’d have a line like Chick-Fil-A; people will see it on Youtube and make the trip right then”
>”You’ll see New York plates, California plates; rednecks’ll be leaving early to get on this road and tear they differential out”
>”You might be able to make some money doing that”
>”You know what? Imma do it. Imma climb up to the interstate and get a real one. Make it look all official”
>so there you have it
>if any of y’all see this on Youtube let me know
>dude owes me a piece of it