LXII. Rowdy. October 21, 2020

>driving Lyft

>I have a new friend in the front seat

>my wife gave me a life-size, anatomically correct decorative skeleton

>he rides with me now

>we named him Rowdy

>Rowdy wears neither hat nor pants

>just a t-shirt that says “WORLD’S GREATEST FARTER”

>he likes to hang out his window with his mouth open

>just chilling

>just making some eye-contact

>most people try really hard to ignore Rowdy

>but Rowdy does not like being ignored

>at stoplights, Rowdy likes to suddenly point at people and shake his head

>his other hand never leaves his crotch

>why would it

>this lady opens her apartment door

>sees Rowdy

>yells “Bruh!”

>slams the door

>after a few minutes she comes out

>gets in the car

>ignores Rowdy harder than anyone I’ve ever seen

>on the way out of the complex

>a lady in the yard says “Oh Lord, look at what he got. Reminds me of that Halloween movie.”

>I tell her Rowdy gets that a lot

>Rowdy falls in my lap in a curve

>one of the frat boys in the back says “Rowdy had too much to drink!”

>and I say this is impossible

>because no one could outdrink Rowdy

>the stuff just goes right through him

>middle frat boy says “Maybe he’s gay for you, bro!”

>which is entirely possible

>compared to Rowdy I am the sloppiest of bears

>insert boner joke

>I try to use Rowdy to enforce mask wearing

>I tell three sorority girls to put on their masks because Rowdy doesn’t want Covid

>and one says “It’s ok, we already had it”

>I say Rowdy is relieved to be out of danger

>she ignores me and continues telling the story of the time she was in Florence

>and she was so drunk

>she pissed in the middle of the street and nobody cared

>I say “Alabama or Italy?”

>she stares at me like Rowdy stares at truck tires

>or like girls did when I was in seventh grade and would not shut up about Star Wars

>no cops have stopped me yet

>but when they do

>I will accuse Rowdy of all sorts of illegal activity

>and forswear myself

>but he will be a real G, silent like lasagna

>and they’ll have to drag him out