LXV. The Bug. January 9, 2021

>driving Lyft

>around midnight on the Southside

>I’ve got all my windows rolled down

>saving gas and fighting the rona

>cruising

>pick up this lady wearing scrubs

>we are going to the liquor store

>suddenly the lady starts screaming and flipping out

>”AAAH! There’s a bug in here! You got a bigass bug in here! I CAN HEAR IT BUZZING!”

>she flings herself across the backseat and cowers over on my side

>this is entirely plausible

>my windows were open

>it is Florida

>the bugs here are belligerent and numerous

>I freak out a little myself

>could it be a cicada?

>a hornet?

>oh God

>we are in the middle of Lake Bradford Road

>I cannot stop until we get to the liquor store

>”Lady,” I say, “As soon as we get there, I promise you I will kill it.”

>this is not enough

>the presence of the bug had unhinged her mind

>she starts babbling and screaming

>”It sounds like it’s TRAPPED! It’s over there under the seat, buzzing like it’s trying to get free!”

>I park in front of the liquor store

>lady comes barreling out of my car like it’s on fire

>together we fling all the doors wide open

>lady is dancing around in the parking lot like Chris Farley with the imaginary bees

>I get a napkin out of the glovebox

>my weapon for the coming battle

>a wild crackhead appears

>he is very interested in what is going on

>my passenger is making that shuddering noise people make when crawled upon by bugs

>crackhead says “Lady, are you ok?”

>my passenger explains the situation at top volume

>crackhead skitters away briefly, but returns

>he too is compelled to see how this turns out

>I come around to the backseat with my iPhone flashlight and my Swiss Army napkin

>crackhead peers over my shoulder as I go in for the kill

>nothing under the seat

>it’s not even buzzing anymore

>it must have known I was coming

>oh shit it could be ANYWHERE

>I say “there’s nothing under the seat”

>lady says, “Not the SEAT! Not the SEAT SEAT! It’s under the whatyacallit, the seat thing, the um…”

>crackhead says “the seatbelt?”

>”Yeah! Yeah! The seatbelt! It’s TRAPPED AND BUZZING under the top of the seatbelt!”

>I have you now, accursed bug

>I gingerly move the seatbelt

>no bug

>crackhead says “I don’t see no bug”

>neither do I

>Lady makes a frustrated noise and comes over to show us how wrong we are

>she points frantically where we are looking

>”Ok then, what is that? WHAT IS THAT THERE BUZZING!”

>”What, this?”

>it is a piece of plastic wrap, about quarter-sized

>it was left over from when I tore off the plastic seat covering when I bought the car

>the wind made it buzz

>crackhead laughs

>says “That ain’t no bug lady, you trippin”

>he disappears into the dark

>off to go do crackhead-type things

>Lady says nothing

>goes inside and buys liquor

>the ride back to her house is completely silent