X. UAGP. December 13, 2019
>driving Lyft
>I pick up a guy in front of PetSmart on Capital Circle
>he is wearing a Dunkin Donuts uniform, but otherwise looks like T-Pain
>I shall call him T-Pain
>we have a twenty-minute ride to the southside
>headed to some apartments near Monroe and Magnolia
>the first five minutes of the trip are completely silent
>then T-Pain sighs a huge sigh and says
>”Man I got an ugly-ass guinea pig.”
>in a million years I would not have guessed he would say those words
>I say “you got a what now?”
>T-Pain says “I got a ugly guinea pig. Last one they had. Probably the last one in Tallahassee. Cause it’s ugly. Cost me forty dollars, ugly-ass. Damn that guinea pig ugly.”
>I say something encouraging, something similar to “Yeah, guinea pigs are weird lookin.”
>T-Pain says “Man, I work hard. My girl wants a guinea pig, so I got one. One ugly ass guinea pig. Not like the last one.”
>”You have another one?”
>”Yeah, man, the girl one. She’s beautiful. This here’s the boy one, he ugly as fuck, man.”
>I say, “Well, I guess you’ll have a lot of guinea pigs soon.”
>”Sure will. Lots of ‘em. They ain’t like hamsters. Hamsters bite. They’ll bite the shit outta you. Guinea pigs won’t bite less you hurt ‘em. Be nice to ‘em, they won’t never bite you.
>”my kids come bother me, imma just hand ‘em a guinea pig, man.”
>silence for a bit
>T-Pain says “damn that’s an ugly fucking guinea pig. The girl one, man, she’s BEAUTIFUL. She’s black, and silky, like a Chanel handbag. This guinea pig ugly. This guinea pig my ass.”
>I know I must see this ugly guinea pig
>I steady myself for the sight
>at a long redlight, I ask.
>T-Pain opens the box for me, says “look at this raggedy-ass monster.”
>Inside the box, a guinea pig looks up at me
>looks like every other guinea pig I’ve ever seen, but I’m no expert
>I say, “he looks like a calico cat.”
>T-Pain says “I KNOW! He looks like a cat, like a damn cat, and look at his weird hair, ain’t that the ugliest damn guinea pig you ever saw?”
>I felt it best to say it was, it was indeed.
>T-Pain says “Today is my day off. When I get home, I’ll get the kids straight, and then I’m gonna smoke and watch some cartoons, man.
>”I hope my girl likes him because I don’t wanna go all the way back up there.”